Effing Marshall

First, I admit I didn’t make my goal last week of 1 blog per week. I passed my expiration date on Saturday. It was buzzing inside me since. Not an idea, that was not buzzing. Nor was inspiration. Nope. Just a buzz of anxiety as I crept past my deadline to write. What was that you said? Oh, yes, it is WordPress’ fault. They didn’t send me a reminder email this week.

Like last year when my DMV tags were 7 months late and expired because those assholes didn’t send me a reminder. (That sounded like my brother, Love you RC.)

THEIR FAULT! And YOU KNOW I told the cop that while I splashed him with my purdy smile…

“What?! (gasp) My tags are expired?! No way, officer. I didn’t receive a notice or anything…

Thank you so very much for letting me know…Oh yes, I will go tomorrow.

Thank you for protecting our city and keeping me safe, sir.”

(I am sure it was something about like that.)

It can be very uncomfortable to sit in that anxiety, or is it oddly comfortable? You know this. The road block shows up blinding us from our path. Oh, and now, I think I will blame that road block for messing up my agenda!

I went to Marshall’s today to purchase stuff for my office. I had an agenda. I was to buy 6 pictures and two pillows. And…a few journals, more pillows, table matts, running shorts…and a big box of dog poop bags. Really? Really. That freaking isle as you go down to the cashier. Seriously? I will take the essential oils that are next to the new headphones beside the hair gel. Oh, yummy! ORGANIC Kale! SCORE! “Excuse me sir, I can’t reach that coffee right there next to the socks. Wow! Straight from Costa Rica! Bet it is really fresh. Mind handing me a bag?” I can buy anything on this one isle in Marshall’s! But my agenda got all messed up by the road block of UNNECESSARY CRAP IN MY WAY!!!! Marshall’s FAULT! And who the hell is Marshall, anyways?!

I always LOVED the people in Grad school that would remind the teacher when something was due or when there was gonna be a test. Immediately following our professor explaining that we weren’t going to follow that agenda perfectly and we may not have covered all the course work….”Dr. Fick, it says on the syllabus that we are having a test next thursday? Is this true (because if you change something I may start twitching in my seat)?” While, I sit there with my head down thinking, “Dude, don’t remind him! Maybe he forgot!” Syllabi are a road map to your ultimate destination: finishing the semester. As much as marking off those assignments is invigorating, it is ok to tweak it a little and ultimately get the SAME RESULT!

Road maps are like hiking-trail guides. My dad has taken me on 9 hikes in the Grand Canyon. We have done an impressive amount of mileage in that baby. Thank you Poppy for being the best trail guide in my life. Hike Life! It’s our thing. I tag along. We get such a hoot now, which I used to describe as annoyance, when we see people hiking with jars of peanut butter, soda, and cans of tuna…jimmy rigged to their pots and pans dangling on the side. People, tuna comes in a pouch now. It’s awesome…and light.

Musts in the Grand Canyon:

1. Good Shoes…that you have worn in. “Is that person wearing Keds? You got it. That nasty toe nail blister is called Canyon Toe.”

2. A trail guide. “Ummm, no Ma’am, the Colorado River is at the bottom.”

3. Food. “Enough for the ENTIRE time you are hiking, no more, no less and no cheese.”

4. Ear plugs. “Oh wait, thats if you are hiking with a roaring lion like my dad…and many other wonderful men I know.”

5. Deodorant. “Just because you are hiking in the Grand Canyon i.e. Nature…doesn’t mean you can smell like onions and pee.”

6. A head lamp. “BUT IF YOU SHINE THAT THING IN MY FACE ONE MORE TIME, I WILL THROW MY CAN OF TUNA AT YOU!”

7. Funny-as-hell men that will make you laugh the entire time. “My favorite hike: My dad, and his 4 buddies. Hands down, the funniest, most entertaining and educational trip of my life.”

8. A visor. “Yes. Visors are cool in the GC. I promise.”

9. Dice: “Well, you may have a few hours to kill. Why not do it in a “non-competitive” sport. Right Mom?”

10. Duct Tape. “Because Macgyver said so!”

11. AND NO DOOBIES!

Follow the guide. Follow the road map. Follow the steps, until a road block re-directs you to the next spot. And it WILL be beautiful, too.

I Just went to the bathroom at Whole foods. A little red headed, freckle-faced girl was waiting for someone. Mid-stream I heard, “Are you going #2?” Then from the other little girl in the stall, “Would you just leave me alone!” I came out and said to Little Red Head, in a silly voice, “Are you bugging her?” The voice behind the toilet wall: “It’s ok. She’s my sister.” I love the authenticity. A pure discussion of #1, or #2. That is what is important in their agenda…exactly what is happening in the moment. While I am going #1, I am thinking about everything from whats for dinner to who I forgot to call earlier in the day to the item I wanted to purchase later. I am gonna do that one day. While I sit comfortably next to a lovely lady…”Are you going #2 Ma’am? (pause) Ma’am?”

So, I KNOW I AM 3 days late on this and that you all were anxiously awaiting my newest muse. Thank you for your undying anticipation. I love you all. Hope this silly little flow was worth the wait.

Next week:

Genuine, real, honest conversation…what will it take for us to be real? Let’s discuss this next week! Yes? Send me your thoughts.

Or a tirade about Ross and TJ Maxx. Not sure yet.